We here at Merry & Bright will share the following tale with you, our loyal readers, though with some trepidation, which you'll understand as the story unfolds.
Merry & Bright dispatched one of our top correspondents, Prof. Z.Z. d'Bingle, optical theremin master and didgeridoo apprentice, to review the latest album by Quilt Records recording artist Garth Dohlie. Prof. d'Bingle has not returned nor communicated with us since journeying to Norcatur, KS to, as d'Bingle put it, "experience the life and times of Garth Dohlie". The only traces we have found of the good professor are an ATM withdrawal of $30 in Duncan Hines, KS, and a shipment of a case of Karo pancake syrup to 'Z. d'Bingle, c/o General Delivery, Squatchfoot, KS".
Well, those are the only traces except for this found footage of the Professor's notes in review of Garth Dohlie's Christmas Party, released this 2021 season from Quilt Records and available at Jason Beers' Bandcamp site.
What follows is a transcription of a voice note received by us from an unknown source. We confirmed that the note was recorded by the Professor. We know nothing more toward solving this mystery.
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Twelve Days of Christmas - ok, we'll go with it. Everyone does this, but we'll give it a shot.
Ah, a nice glass of lemonade. Garth is reworking the lyrics a bit. Could be refreshing.
Fishin' poles, ears of corn. Sounds kinda like Walter Brennan - this is pretty good!
Eight what?
That's what I thought - what the heck?
Eleven, er... ummm, ok.
Well that was interesting.
Ok - next song "The Black Sheep of the Family". Will this be Christmassy?
Nice organ work. Ah, old pal Garth Dohlie doing a little recitation. Ah, family gathering time for Christmas.
...
Note to self: no mutton for Christmas dinner this year...
Ok - Garth's cut at the classic C.H.R.I.S.T.M.A.S.
Ah, R is for Ol' Red, the beloved family dog.
Hmmm. S is for Snakes? Talking snakes?
Yeeeaaaah, I'm not too sure about all this.. deep parody? Jeez I hope so.
Ok - here we go - O'l Red's Christmas Present. Ah, how sweet! A pat on the head is all Ol' Red wants!
Well, that took a turn...
<editors note: the next 6 1/2 minutes of the voice note were distorted and unintelligible>
The last song. Thank God. Garth Dohle's Wassail Recipe.
Ok, cider, oranges, spices, whisky. We're ok so far.
Yikes.
Note to self: This is urgent - I've got to
<the voice note abruptly ends>
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Quilt Records has given us permission to reproduce the liner notes here:Christmas is a very special holiday for the Dohlie family, and also the Quilt Records family. Naturally, Ol’ Garth would want to commemorate the holiday with his own take on Christmas. His dazzling and heartwarming tales of Christmas past are sure to make the listener nostalgic for their own family traditions and memories of a bygone era. In the busy hustle-and-bustle of 1968, time stands still in Garth Dohlie’s world. We can always count on his serene love of the Dohlie family and way of life.
For this recording, the usual stable of Quilt’s A-team musicians was absent due to many fearing for their lives as many of those that have recorded with Garth in the past have not returned from Norcatur, Kansas. Many people have either gone missing or found drained of blood and partially eaten. We reached out to Mr. Dohlie for suggestions. He brought in the Hackinshaw twins, Lloyd and Boyd, to lend their vocal stylings to a couple of songs. But the real ringer was Miss Trinity Plortsmouth, who played the organ at the Norcatur Methodist Church every Sunday. Featured on a pair of traditional Christmas songs. She also painstakingly wrote and performed all the rest of the music for this album. Sadly, Miss Plortsmouth and the Hackinshaw twins were all discovered, like so many other previous musicians, drifters, and townsfolk of Norcatur before them – drained of blood and partially devoured.
So, sit back, relax, take in a glass or two of Mr. Dohlie’s Christmas wassail (the recipe is contained on a track of this album), and enjoy Garth Dohlie’s Christmas party!
President of Quilt Records
Well, um, ok...
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